If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
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Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
How to draw a duck
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.