If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
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When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …