IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
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If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…