If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
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searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
My what?
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad