If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
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[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much