“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
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I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone