If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
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Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
no their not
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Okay
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.