Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In truth, spiders are harmless*

*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.

Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.

ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies

I’ve decided to become a huge sellout and abandon my core values for cheap cash. Who want to buy my values?

…Anybody?

Hmmm… I thought this would be easier.

I put the mess in domestic.

Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.

Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.

Interviewer:

Me: And neither wears pants

My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”

Moments like these are when I ask for money.

ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.

ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.

ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.

ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.

Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??

Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.

Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.

me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude

me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude

SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.

Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now

I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.

my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music

Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.

HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?

ME: You bet I did.

EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen

“So, what’s the plan?”

“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”

Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.

The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.

[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]

We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.

i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips

[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.

If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?

I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.

I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.

Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins

Me: i’m taking a plane Linda

I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.