Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate fungi but then it grew on me.

8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other

dad: WAIT

me:

dad: don’t forget to take a jacket

When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.

I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.

I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today

#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!

The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex

[breakfast in hell]

STALIN: Toast is burnt

POL POT: Eggs are rotten

HITLER: I hate the juice

STALIN: Oh here we go

HITLER: I said JUICE

My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”

I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.

Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?

Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!

Sing it!

[Interview]

Me: I really need the paycheck

Him: This is an unpaid internship.

Me: Do you provide snacks?

Him: Um, yes

Me: Keep going…

– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?

dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn

The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.

Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).

Childbirth is so beautiful

Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.

Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.

Me: They’re vitamins!

please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,

I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?

I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.

French windows?

No but I’ve snogged patio doors.

text from my dad when lebron broke the record

Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.

*Licking my plate clean

Girlfriend)You still have to wash that

Me)This house is a prison

I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.

If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will

Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?

Losers.

I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.

Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.

Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY

If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.