If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
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somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.