if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
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If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
Customize Your Wedding.
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool