“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
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Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]