If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
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Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!