If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
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(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face