If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
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[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.