If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
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Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
reminder
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????