If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
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Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
Pass gas, not judgment.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby