If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
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Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
Does it…does it take 3 days
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.