If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
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“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
Wednesday
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
My safe word is Worcestershire
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.