If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
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Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave