@LoveNLunchmeat

If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.

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@onlxn

TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die

@YSylon

I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.

But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE

@JPLFR80

That second sandwich was a mistake.

– me, making a third sandwich

@2tickytacky

I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.

@GuyEndoreKaiser

Do you have any motivational books?

Yeah, they’re in the back.

(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?

@fro_vo

MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said

@dave_cactus

ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?

@closetoclassy

Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.

@XplodingUnicorn

My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.

It made walls invisible, too.