If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
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Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
Stop.
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs