if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
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Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
Me :
All Day At Night
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
welcome mats are just gateway rugs