if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
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I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
*swivels around in evil chair*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
Me: Nailed it.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.