If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
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Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Cake!!
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.