If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
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I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.