If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
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Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
work smarter, not harder
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.