If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
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I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.