If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
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computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.