If at first you don’t succeed, try try again
“Sir we test parachutes here, don’t say that to people”
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If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch right now refusing to clean bigger rooms.
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
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Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
I may look calm but on the inside I’m 28 over-caffeinated panic attacks in a trench coat
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
prepare for thanksgiving? i’ve been overeating and arguing with my family for years, i was born ready for this
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*