If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
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That’s fair
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
God has abandoned us.
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.