if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
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The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
Good point.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto