If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
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My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
same vibe as tangled headphones
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist