If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
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My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…