If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.

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Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?


cat: *plays fiddle*

cow: *jumps over moon*

dishes: *run away*

farmer: *sets down bong*


The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.


Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.


[making out after date]

Her: Should we go back to your place?

Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet


My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies


People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges


job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them


I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.

She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.


Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.