@PearlsFromMyrna

If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.

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@slimmy_shady

Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?

@TweetsByKaylee

cat: *plays fiddle*

cow: *jumps over moon*

dishes: *run away*

farmer: *sets down bong*

@AnOrangeSNES

The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.

@jwoodham

Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.

@squirrel74wkgn

[making out after date]

Her: Should we go back to your place?

Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet

@joslater37

My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies

@RandallOtisTV

People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges

@jonnysun

job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them

@XplodingUnicorn

I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.

She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.

@UncleDuke1969

Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.