If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
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You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
i guess his teacher was really pissed
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.