If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
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At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What鈥檚 this?
ME: That鈥檚 a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 馃槶
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
Pikachu found the lost joint
Women鈥檚 version: Body Soap
Men鈥檚: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast