If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
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Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
“TGIM!” – My liver
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.