If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
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I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom