If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
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I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest