@Area51eh

If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.

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@cnnbrk

At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.

@sannewman

Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.

@YoungFunE

I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”

@harriweinreb

Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good

@nickthune

The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse

@andreahardy33

Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.

@thepunningman

[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired

@KentWGraham

I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.

@JohnLyonTweets

My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.