If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.

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My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.

So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.

Your move itches


What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.


*wife stares at me*

*I stare at her*

*she frowns*

*I smile*

“You didn’t notice my new-”




Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.


hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register


If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.


Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.


Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.