@Area51eh

If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.

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@sweetmomissa

My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.

So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.

Your move itches

@Aspersioncast

What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.

@Brianhopecomedy

*wife stares at me*

*I stare at her*

*she frowns*

*I smile*

“You didn’t notice my new-”

“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”

“Dress.”

@UNDEADTRESOR

Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.

@MrSpoonicorn

hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register

@MoistPork

If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.

@GreenishDuck

Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.