If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
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me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
Ferrari squats
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.