If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
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I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
Oh thanks BBC.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever