If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
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I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.