If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
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I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
Still laughing at this stupid meme
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?