If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
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*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Modded the new Gran Turismo
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Finally!
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet