If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
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Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
🤣🤣🤣
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
definitely did not do anything wrong
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop