If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
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There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope