If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
You Might Also Like
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
According to math, I’m broke
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy