If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
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“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
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Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
I need a headline like this
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
This is I, Robot all over again
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.