So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
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I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
Did…did a minotaur write this
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
this is from a book called the bible
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*