If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
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I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.