If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
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Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.