If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
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Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders