If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
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Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles